Not long ago, a man came to me looking for help in his marriage. It got my attention right away because of how extreme the situation had become: he had no romantic feelings left. He loved his wife, but as a friend and the mother of his children, good cook and a house keeper. He emphasizes that he feels like they are just plain roommates with his supposed to be partner in life, sharing a house, pretending to be okay for the kids but they aren’t really involved in each other’s lives. Also he mentioned that he had a crush on a colleague at work and was obsessed with that thrilling passionate new relationship.
He came to me hoping I could use my coaching techniques, like NLP or Hypnosis. But with a fake marriage that had been loveless over 10 years, with 4 years since they’d slept in the same bed, I knew this relationship would be hard to repair. Lack of sex is one of the main causes of breakups since intimate time together is crucial.
However, I was struck by how dedicated he was to fix his marriage for his children’s sake. Chains can’t hold a marriage together, but a few ingredients can help, and that’s what I worked on building with this client:
1) Similar values, or compromise. What’s important for you in the relationship? What does intimacy mean to you? What role does money play in your relationship? Spending the rest of your lives together, you must know all about the other person’s values to find out what you have in common.
2) Manage your expectations. Knowing what dinner your partner would prefer is very different from knowing what kind of life he or she wants to have. Expectation setting helps you both stay happy and satisfied. Be open with each other about your goals and aspirations so you can weigh the options and decide what you each need to be happy. It’s important to have family vision board and romantic fun vision board.
3) Speaking their love language. Everyone has different ways of showing how they love and different ways they want to be loved. Knowing your love language makes you aware of your needs from your partner. Perhaps your partner expresses his love through physical touch and kisses, yet what you really need is a compliment or a gift such as a perfume or flowers. Speaking each other’s love language helps you both feel more satisfied and feel appreciated by the other half.
4) Get ready to tango. You’ve heard the expression, “It takes two to tango.” Relationships only work when both partners willingly put in the effort to make them successful. Sure, love frees, and love liberates, but it’s also a decision. If you ask, “Svetlana, how can I know if this is the right person for me?”, you’ll know when this person also chooses you and chooses to be with you. You will see that the person is going out of comfort zone to be with you. We grow in relationship when we go out of comfort zone and obviously our relationship grows with us as well.
Discerning right or wrong and our willingness to live and love makes us who we are. We need to be careful in choosing who you love. Love is a choice and we must choose wisely. Our actions have certain effects. Your life is the series of the choices you make.
Coaching can help you find positivity even during a breakup. One client is at the point where she has a great relationship with her ex-husband and he has become a good father and partner parent. One day, her two girls asked, “Mum, can you choose your new partner to have also girls, as we’d love to have sisters?” I was amazed at how simple and authentic kids are, and how they don’t over-complicate relationships! There’s a lesson there for all of us in being happy partners and happy parents.
With this client, we worked on all these issues and I suggested NLP & hypnotherapy techniques. Before he left I told him, “I applaud you for wanting to work on your relationship. But remember: a relationship is between two people and for it to work, you both must have to want it. You both have to commit 150% to investing time, effort, and open lines of communication.” And most important thing that you need to figure out is what your values are you looking for in a relationship. It would take me 20 mins to elicit relationship values with you for you to clearly know what you want. And when you know what you want, it becomes easier to be able to make it happen.
What do you think? If you were in his shoes, what would you do? Let me know what your thoughts are by commenting below.